We didn't rent an apartment. We rented a series of unfortunate events.Night one: the kitchen was a certified biohazard. Crumbs, sticky handles, soiled towels, and rotting meat in the fridge welcomed us in. An emergency cleaning crew arrived at 10 PM to address the disaster. Disposable plates and cutlery were delivered the next morning because the cabinets remained an untouchable crime scene and the dishwasher remained broken until our fourth day there.Next, the apartment moonlighted as a dispensary. The cannabis smell was inescapable, yet the host unleashed endless denial-of-reality excuses — our favorite being, "the previous family had a kid" as proof it couldn't exist. They eventually returned with Home Line Smoke Odor Eliminator and performed an ozone treatment the following day — basically confirming everything they'd denied.Then — because two catastrophes felt incomplete — both bathrooms ran exclusively boiling water for two of the nights. Perfect for sink ramen, catastrophic for human hygiene. We rented and paid for a 2 bed/2 bath apartment but host thought that offering us a "courtesy refund of 100" to make up for absolutely no use of the bathroom sounded fair. They claim "no refunds for third party amenities" - INCLUDING WATER!Biohazard kitchen. Cannabis hotbox. Boiling water torture. Their heartfelt apology? 100. Three nights of disasters and the host treated our suffering like a minor inconvenience — to them.Host's turn. This'll be good.